Recently, I was blessed that one of my children had received two academic honors and was selected with a few other classmates to represent his school in the laying of the wreath ceremony at Arlington National Cemetery. Almost instinctively I posted a picture and a short comment about it on Facebook. After all, what kind of uncaring parent would I be otherwise, right? Just another day in my cyber-life… Later that day, a high school friend of mine commented, “the Phelan’s really have it going on!” My stomach started to turn.
Facebook has become our journals, our place to share fun facts, and our place to connect with others. Unlike private journals, Facebook is a repository of only the milestones that we want to share, the good ones. The unreality it insinuates make for great stories and creates reason to interact with many that without Facebook, we would otherwise not. The fact that we share only the highlights (or mostly, and mind you I am not addressing the “town crier” who is always in online crisis) can be unhealthy and is something we need to talk directly about with our kids. As if I didn’t hear enough, “everybody likes Tommy because…” Facebook has become another layer of hormonal induced teenage angst in my house. Real life is messy—for everybody. In real life we get fired, dumped, audited, sick, and make stupid mistakes that we pray we learn from and we would just as soon nobody know about. This is not the stuff of happy headlines (insert the smiley face emoji of your choice here). It is important that as parents we clearly explain to our kids that Facebook is not reality and is merely a small slice of any given person’s real experiences.
Alice Walton describes this phenomena in her article New Study Links Facebook To Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why.
The irony of Facebook is by now known to most. The “social” network has been linked to a surprising number of undesirable mental health consequences: Depression, low self-esteem, and bitter jealousy among them. Now, a new study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology finds that not only do Facebook and depressive symptoms go hand-in-hand, but the mediating factor seems to be a well-established psychological phenomenon: “Social comparison.” That is, making comparisons, often between our most humdrum moments and our friends “highlight reels” – the vacation montages and cute baby pics – is what links Facebook time and depressive symptoms together.[i]
This is exponentially felt by teenagers who are told by every media outlet, report card grade, psat/sat/act, and by their naturally cruel peers that only perfection is above ridicule. I have yet to see the post, “I had a really tough day at work, feel guilty because I took it out on the kids, am having dreams about smothering my significant other if he or she talks about another DYI show, and I feel like a bad person because all I want to do is go postal or run away to a sunny beach somewhere.” You never get “the rest of the story.” For many adults and teens alike this can impact moods and self-image. Comparison rarely leads to healthy thought. Take the time to talk to your kids about this “unreality” as they need as much reassurance as we can provide.
I am not discounting Facebook as a great way to catch up, nor am I saying we need to describe every detail of our lives and associated feelings. I am merely suggesting:
- Keeping what you see on Facebook in perspective and teaching your children how to do the same.
- If your teen is seemingly anxious or depressed, watch or limit social media activity
- Teaching your teen that we all need a little more celebrating and sunshine in our lives. Congratulating a friend is excellent, but not a measurement of their or your value.
In researching this, I was fascinated to find that this comparison-based depression is far more prevalent and deeper with males. I suppose that may have something to do with men’s drive to accomplish, compete, and win that is instilled at an early age. That may be a topic worthy of another post. In the meantime, happy and safe Facebooking to you. Oh and Dean: yes the Phelan’s really do have it and $%it going on… Make it a great day!
[i] Walton, Alice G. (April 8, 2015). New Study Links Facebook To Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why., Forbes / Pharma & Healthcare. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why/#3a7d515d2e65